Forgiveness: The personal journey of letting go

Photo courtesy of donmilleris.com

                Picture a mother forgiving a 17-year-old high school student for killing her son.

                Picture an Amish community forgiving a milk truck driver for killing five of the community’s young girls.

                Picture a former pope forgiving the man who shot him and almost ended his life.

                You do not have to picture these acts, though, because they have all actually happened.

                Forgiveness, one of the hallmarks of Christianity, helps humans reach individual and spiritual equilibrium, said Br. Kevin Kriso, O.F.M.

                “It’s for the forgiver, not the perpetrator,” Kriso said. “Essentially, you’re moving yourself out of a victim role and into one of power.”

                For Kriso, forgiveness entails freeing yourself by not letting past harm affect your present state.

                The process takes times, though.

                “It varies for each person,” Kriso said. “Not only does it take a willingness to let go on your part, but praying for God’s grace also helps you on your way.”

                Although the process’ length differs for everyone, the motions stay the same.

                Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, wrote that the transformative act of forgiveness involves putting your hurt into words, being specific about what happened, changing the channel to something positive, praying for comfort and practicing constantly.

                “It’s about taking control of your thoughts and emotions,” Luskin wrote.

   I want to be a morally sound person. Forgiving helps me find internal peace and happiness. But I trip up just like others do.

                Some of my qualities keep me from moving forward in the forgiving process.

   The high standards I hold for myself and others cannot always be met.

   Rarely do I understand why others lack the dedication I have.

   My sometimes damaging attempt at perfection makes me forget that as humans, we all, myself included, make mistakes.

   These qualities result in feelings of anger and frustration on my part, morphing into negative actions.

    Sometimes I think holding a grudge will hurt the other person. Or that he or she will eventually catch on to the silent treatment I am partaking in.

    I obsess over their lack of care, their nonchalant attitudes and their inability to see what they have done or failed to do.

    Doing this only hurts me, though. My mentality, emotional stability, health and relationships all suffer.

    When I finally realize I am affecting myself more than the person who hurt me, the act of forgiveness seems so painstakingly hard.

    At this point, I usually begin to question why I even try to forgive.

    Does being the bigger person actually make a difference?

    What if I let go of the anger and the person responsible for hurting me never feels guilty?

    Questions like these probably run through all our heads.

    But do any of us really have the answer to why we forgive?

Hewlin's parents.
Photo courtesy of abcnews.go.com

                 Maybe Phyllis Ferguson, mother of Demetrius Hewlin who died last Tuesday in an Ohio school shooting, has the answer.

                  “… a lot of times, they don’t know what they’re doing …,” Ferguson said to an ABC News reporter . “Until you’ve walked in another person’s shoes, you don’t know what made him come to this point.”

                   Maybe the Amish community had it right by following a 16^th century tradition of leaving punishment to higher authority.

Pope John Paul II with his shooter.
Photo courtesy of telegraph.co.uk

                   Maybe Pope John Paul II really had the answer. He hoped his actions would teach the world that peace requires us to forget past offenses and offer love and charity instead.

                   Or maybe they all have the answer.

                   Maybe forgiveness is what we, as individuals, make of it.

      Our past experiences vary. Some may have dealt with the loss of a loved one where as others may have dealt with unfaithfulness.

      So why should our motivation to forgive be the same if our reasons for forgiving differ?

                   Although this may be true, I believe we all search for the same thing.

                    Consider what author Catherine Ponder wrote:

                    “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

       I think we all search for a feeling of freedom from past burdens and the ability to let go of the bitterness built up inside.

       What we seek does not appear instantly, though. The process takes time and commitment.

       Through others’ actions, I am learning how to forgive by letting go. And through others’ wise advice, I am learning that living my life for me is why I choose to forgive.

       I struggle with this every day. Sometimes reflections of my efforts push me to keep working toward forgiveness while other times more disappointments in my life make me question myself.

       I know that one day the internal peace, freedom and happiness I seek will no longer be a thought but a reality.

       Forgiveness. Let go of the resentment. No one can tell you why you should forgive or what should motivate you to do so. The process may be quick, or the process may be long. But the sense of relief and freedom we all experience makes the journey worth it in the end.